Three supervisors work for me. Two of them have been in the unit 20-25 years. The third has only been with the team 5 years. The two longer term sups are beginning to nit pick at each other and complain individually to the 3rd supervisor. The 3rd supervisor now feels caught in the middle but apparently holds her own openly agreeing or disagreeing with the issue. I dearly enjoy and respect all 3 ladies but the bickering is getting old and now I can see some passive aggressive behavior that impacts the business.

I’ve recently decided to have a Teambuilding meeting off premise but really I think the better term is an intervention like they have for alcoholics. In other words, sit down with all 3 and just tell them what I see and that some actions are now impacting the business. I believe I could get the 3rd sup to chime in also. Then sit back and see what surfaces so we can talk about it. I believe the bickering is nothing more than symptoms of something bigger but I can’t get at that until I get them talking.

What would you do? What could my opening line be? I’m not sure how to preface this get together. EEEK, help!

Meryl Responds,

Say,

• I’ve brought us together to establish some communication standards to create a habit of proactively addressing issues rather than complaining. Here are some standards of communication I recommend.

Then list communication policies that you think would resolve the problem. Things like:

• Address the issue with the person who can do something about it.
• Speak in the same way when someone isn’t present as you would if they were.
• Discuss problems to resolve them rather than vent or complain.

Invite the group to add to ground rules.

By the way, I have a complete chapter on communication ground rules in my Unite and Concur book. They are designed for political dialogue but can easily be adapted to your needs.

Let me know how this works for you.

I work in a Customer Support department of my company. We recently experienced a couple of layoffs, as well as a history of “ill feelings”, feelings of “us vs. them”, “mismanagement”, etc. I’m in the process of surveying the managers to ascertain what they feel the challenges are of their direct reports, and I’m also surveying the direct reports to ask them what they feel are challenges, as well as how they feel about the management. I’m getting some great feedback from the staff that I will share with the managers.

But I’m nervous…

At the risk of sounding like I’m “projecting”, I feel that I know how the manager meeting will go. I’ll start to read some of the anonymous feedback and they will respond in a few ways:

1) Hostility

2) Comments like, “Yeah, wouldn’t that be nice.” “In a perfect world…” “We can’t do that.” “Yeah, right.”

I want to set the tone of the meeting before we begin and say something like:

“When we read some of these comments, you might find yourself saying, (see above) and ultimately dismiss it. But I want you to keep an open mind about everything we read here together, and forget the people, faces, moods, and so on. Here’s a blank piece of paper and we need to look at this as an opportunity to start from scratch.

“Also, during our conversation, if I hear comments such as “Yea, in a perfect world that would be great, but…” or “We can’t do that…” and so on, I’m going to stop you and ask you to either rephrase it, putting a positive spin on your comment, or not say it at all.”

Meryl, any assistance you can provide is most welcomed. The “hostile” feeling on the Customer Service floor is a direct result of the “hostility” that emanates from the managers on a daily basis, and I need to start the “squashing the tone” process before it explodes.

Meryl Responds:

Great question! And you seem quite ready for the challenge. I like your ideas so far. You’re not projecting you’re preparing.

Pre-calling possible responses is a fabulous way to begin. That will keep those responses conscious. I would take it one step further and tell them what to do instead when they are inclined to respond dismissively.

For example:

Instead of saying, “Yea, wouldn’t that be nice”, say. “That would be nice. Is there any part of that we can implement?”

Instead of saying, “In a perfect world, great, but…” say,

• I’d like that too. How could we make that suggestion practical?”

Instead of saying: “Yea, we tried that before, but…” say,

• That sounds like something we tried. I wonder how this is different or what we could do to make it happen.

Instead of, “Oh, that comment sounds like so-and-so… that’s SO typical of him/her!” (and dismiss it), say.

• I might know who suggested that. I’d like to be able to find a way to (help them understand why it’s unrealistic) (figure out how to make it work) (get them to focus on the things we can change) etc.

I’ll practice what I’m preaching here. Instead of “I need to start the ’squashing the tone’ process before it explodes,” think

• I need to create a new tone.I believe you are absolutely up for the task.

A two-year-old who asks why constantly can be tedious, and so can an employee. But inquisitive thinking should be encouraged. In PowerPhrases! I advise caution in how to use the word “why” so it doesn’t sound like you’re implying they don’t have good reasons. But don’t stop asking, and don’t shut down others who ask you why.

Better yet, tell them why before they have to ask. When faced with a “Wendy (or Wally) Why-Why,” become a “Betty (or Bobby) Because-Because.”

Cute, I know. And effective. Visit Wendy’s blog to learn more whys of asking why.

Sometimes I forget what I’m reading, and don’t shift gears when I change genres. I experience this most dramatically when I shift from news to satire or vice versa. I will try to see the humor in a serious news post – or marvel at the absurdity of the world, only to realize I was actually reading satire.

The fact is, we always interpret ideas within contextual frameworks. Contexts are formed based on a variety of factors including communication styles, values, assumptions, past experiences, and previous information. And, yes, what came right before your remark will color the way others hear your comments.

If you ever find a conversation isn’t connecting, take a step back and examine context. Once you share your framework, you might find the conversation goes much better.