June 16, 2008
I didn’t ask what you know. I asked what you think. ~ PowerPhrase
A participant at one of my seminars last week shared that he would get his kids in the habit of thinking for themselves, problem solving and sharing their opinions by asking them what they think. If they responded that they didn’t k now, he would tell them,
- I didn’t ask what you know. I asked what you think,
The point of this expression is that people often think they need to have “the right answer” to speak, but they don’t. We don’t have to know for our thoughts to have value.
This isn’t some of your work that resonates with me the most. ~ PowerPhrase
I recently forwarded a book proposal draft that I was excited about to a friend for feedback. If you do creative work, you know how closely the creation is tied into the identity of the creator. I wanted accurate feedback, but I was also sensitive to having my “baby” criticized. I sent it to my friend Jay, who was very gracious in explaining that I wasn’t as far along as I imagined myself to be. She said,
- This isn’t some of your work that resonates best with me, at least not yet.
She went on to give very specific feedback about the strengths and weaknesses of the writing. I read her feedback like it was a gift, which it of course was.
We are misreading each other. ~ PowerPhrase
The more Georgia and Rob talked, the more discord there was. Georgia changed the tone by saying,
- It seems to me we are both misreading each other. I’d like to back this conversation up to the beginning and ask questions to make sure I am understanding you correctly. Does that make sense?
Rob thought it was a great idea and they backtracked, working together to understand what they were both saying.
We see this project differently, and that’s why I believe we can learn from each other. ~ PowerPhrase
Warren and his coworker had drastically different ideas about how the project should be managed, as creatives and technicals often do. Warren was ready for a fight and felt sure his coworker would be too, so he decided to communicate a goal that would preclude that. He opened the conversation by saying,
- We see this project differently, and that’s why I believe we can learn from each other. I don’t agree with your approach on a number of issues, but I respect your expertise so I’d like for us to understand each other’s positions and see if we can create a vision for the project that incorporates both of our separate expertise.
When you anticipate hostility in a discussion, it’s often wise to speak first of the conversation itself and the desired goals. Of course Warren had to remain open to his coworker, but when he did, he found his coworker more open to him than he had anticipated.
How to tell someone they smell bad.
Failure to bathe. We’ve all encountered it. What’s up with them? Are they clueless? Is it passive aggressive behavior in the workplace? Might they have a problem they can’t control? We’re not shrinks and we don’t know. We do know that while there is no great way to tell someone they smell bad, some ways are better than others.
Let’s start by looking at the worse ways to address the issues. Here’s what you don’t do when you need to tell someone they smell bad at work. .
- Don’t address the issue in front of others or even where others can see.
- Don’t assume you know what the underlying issue is. You don’t.
- Don’t make it about you. This is not a personal issue.
- Don’t be confrontational, judgmental or critical.
- Don’t hint. While you don’t want to attack, you also want them to get your point without guesswork.
- Don’t refer to culture or race or anything that could get you in legal hot water.
- Don’t let their hygiene issue become fodder for office gossip.
So what do you do? Here’s what you do when you need to tell someone they smell bad at work.
- Tell the offender, not anyone else.
- Find an environment for casual privacy.
- Be informative. Take the stance that you are providing them with information they need to know.
- Be empathic. Speak like a sympathizer, not a judge.
- Use neutral, impersonal language that refers to professionalism and the impact on the office.
- Be low key. Even if you’re not comfortable, fake it. The more agitated sound, the more reactive they will be.
- Arrange for follow-up and future feedback. Most behavior changes require time.
- Provide future feedback, both positive and negative.
What do you say? Here are your PowerPhrases to inform someone of a hygiene issue.
- (Name,) I need a few minutes of your time. Can we meet in the conference room?
- (Name) I have noticed the smell of (the offensive odor), and I’m concerned that it is having an impact on your ability to interact with your co-workers and our customers.
If you’re the manager, add:
- It’s essential this be addressed because it affects performance.
Listen empathically to their response.
A few more Power Phrases you can use are:
- I’m telling you because it’s important for you to know.
- I know if it was me, I’d want to know.
If they become reactive, be empathic about it. Chances are the employee is embarrassed and is reacting in defense. What they do with the information is more important than what they say in the moment.
Whether your employee or coworker’s hygiene issue is medical, cultural, due to lack of awareness, or a clear example of passive aggressive behavior in the workplace, Speak Strong. Power Phrases can help you manage the issue.
I want to hear from you. ~ PowerPhrase
When I was speaking at one of the more enlightened companies I’ve visited, I heard The Senior VP tell her managers,
- I want to hear from you. If there’s a problem, I want to hear from you. If you need help, I want to hear from you. If I don’t hear from you, what do I need you for?
Many managers and executives send subtle and not-so-subtle messages that they don’t want to hear from their employees. Not this one.
Five minutes of your undivided attention now could save us hours later. ~ PowerPhrase
If you need to tell your boss he or she isn’t listening, here’s a great way to say it:
- I know you have a lot on your plate and it’s difficult to give my issues full attention. However, I think with five minutes of your undivided attention now, we could create action steps that will save us hours later.
It acknowledges their situation and lets your need be known in a way that supports their interests.
Can we change the tone of our conversation? ~ PowerPhrase
Lynda and Karen were having a disagreement, and it seemed to Lynda that Karen was examining her words with a microscope to argue with what seemed tangential to Lynda.
Lynda said,
- Can we change the tone here? I’m not trying to be contentious. I’m trying to figure out what’s going on. I agree that my word choice isn’t always perfect. Can you accept the idea that I’m trying to work with you, not against you?
Lynda’s words worked.
Thanks for responding ~ PowerPhrase
Carla emailed a question to a vendor about a product. The vendor didn’t offer the product but took the time to respond with an informative email.
For most, that would be the exchange. But Carla took the time to reply,
- Thanks for taking the time to respond. Your response was quite useful.
Too often we forget the last step – letting people know we appreciate the time they take to help us.
I’ve got a lot to tell you about at the meeting ~ PowerPhrase
TV shows and newscasts use teasers – short introductions to upcoming segments to create anticipation. So why not use teasers for other areas of life? Why not create anticipation for that meal you’re creating, that date you and your spouse planned or a gathering you’re looking forward to? If you do, by the time the event happens, people will be primed to enjoy it.
You can even use teasers for meetings. For example, say.
- I’ve got a lot to tell you at the meeting.
- I’m looking forward to us catching up on events at the meeting tomorrow.
- I’ve been preparing for our meeting tomorrow and I’m looking forward to it.
Do that, and see if it doesn’t make for a more interesting meeting.
It certainly works for dates.
