Meryl Responds,

Clarify your expectations and hold employees to job standards. The fact that they’re students doesn’t excuse irresponsibility. I imagine you explode because you feel powerless to affect change.

In Perfect Phrases for Managers and Supervisors, I describe how to establish job standards and how to get people to agree to them. Once that’s complete, your conversations can refer to the standards they agreed to. When you address transgressions, adopt a troubleshooting, “how can I help you do your job right” attitude. If that doesn’t work, you need to warn them and if that doesn’t work, replace them. One of my seminar attendees values the phrase, 

•       I need someone to do your job, and I’m hoping it will be you

It may be these students haven’t learned responsibility, or it may be they have but think the job is beneath them. Or they could be overloaded. Whatever the reason, be clear, direct and supportive – and make it clear that they will be held to the standards of the job.

Check out my Performance Flow Chart. It guides you though the entire process.

My immediate supervisor uses the word “argue “when anyone disagrees with her. How do I change this around?

Meryl Responds:

Very interesting Poison Phrase. I suspect it reflects her attitude about disagreement.

Inquire. Say,

• My intent is for us to exchange ideas and learn from each other, not argue. Am I coming across like I’m arguing?
• How can I express a different perspective without sounding argumentative to you?
• When I hear the word argue, I wonder if you think I’m working against you. I’m on your team, and want to be able to make suggestions without coming across that way. Can you suggest ways to make that happen?
• When I make a mistake or am overlooking something, I like people to tell me. And when I have information I think you could use, I’d like to be able to tell you. How can I do that without sounding like I’m arguing?

Today I received an Outlook meeting invitation to catch my boss up to speed on a project. He asked to meet at 4pm or 4:30pm.

I declined the meeting in Outlook and at the bottom I typed: “4pm or 4:30pm is not a good time for me today. I was here at 6:15am and will leave around 3:30pm. I will be in early (wee early) 6am tomorrow and my day is open. Can we meet tomorrow? Or you may call me in the evening at home anytime.”

It turns out that I just couldn’t leave at 3:30pm and I ended up staying anyways for another issue. I called my boss and told him that I could stop by at 4:30pm. We had our meeting, and things went ok.

As I was leaving he stopped me to say: “There is one thing that I want to talk to you about that has nothing to do with this project. I’d like to give you warning on how you speak to higher ups when they are asking you to be in a meeting.” (In that particular moment I was caught off guard because I didn’t remember what he was referring to.) So I said, “I don’t know what you are referring to, please explain it to me.”

He proceeded, “Well, you might upset or offend a higher up when you respond ‘xxx time is not good for me.’ Be cautious on what you say because someone else might not be as understanding as I am.”

So, in my ‘Speak Strong’ words, I told him that I’m glad he pointed that out to me if something like that bothered him, but I did not feel that it was necessary for him to speak on someone else’s behalf. Also, I told him that I did not believe that my words were cross, misleading, or rude and that I was being honest. He rebutted and repeated himself using other words, so I left it alone with, ‘I feel that we disagree on this issue and I will adjust if necessary when someone asks me to.”

Now that I’m home, I’m stewing a little because I feel like he was not being honest to me. It was my boss that actually has an issue with the words I used and he disguised his feelings through someone else.

I’d like your opinion in that, this boss is new to me (less than 1 month) and he is already excessively micro managing my work. His words today are another signal to me that he will continue to be challenging to me unless I ‘nip it in the bud’.

Meryl Responds

This may be a wording issue or it may be a control issue. It’s possible he didn’t like how you said it or he might not like the idea that you’re not at his beckon call. My proof-reader pointed out that she finds the phrase higher ups to be a Poison Phrase and I agree, it implies a sense of dominence rather than teamwork. I think it would be useful to find out more about how he sees your role. I suggest you ask:

How would you like for me to handle that kind of situation in the future?

Were you upset by my declining the invitation or by how I worded it?

Do you think it unreasonable for me to decline a meeting if it’s after my planned departure time?

I agree he was indirectly telling you HE didn’t like what you said, and I would respond as if he had spoken for himself. I often mentally translate things people say into a better wording so I can respond directly to the issues.

Before you speak, be sure your attitude is a partnering one rather than adversarial. Your “nip it in the bud” comment is well taken, however, I think it would to be better to word your goal as to get clear about how you can best support each other and work together.

I hope this helps. Let me know.

I am the manager of my division and report to the Deputy Director of our organization. I have staff which reports to me and works on tasks as I assign these to them. The Deputy Director is not interested in what I do or the tasks assigned to my team. He has gone as far as saying that he does not like Planners and thinks we waste too much time ‘planning’. He very seldom provides input on work or assignments and provides comments after deadlines have passed, decisions have been made or if someone else brings any issue to his attention.

Recently, our Executive Director assigned a second director to work with our group and to provide guidance after he received complaints about the Deputy Director’s short sightedness. Unfortunately, I still report to the Deputy Director and this has led to another set of issues. The Deputy Director and the new director are constantly at odds and have different views on how the work and policy should be developed and/or completed. I am in the middle working with the new director to complete tasks and work assignments but having to report to the Deputy Director on every single thing. The Deputy Director has recently expressed a desire to know everything we do, how we do it and the direction I get from the other director. I feel like I’m being pressured to report on the director to my supervisor and it makes me feel very uncomfortable. Any suggestions on how I can handle this situation?

Thank you for your help.

Meryl Responds

You’ve got to get out of the middle. Get them together with you and the Executive Director and have your responsibilities spelled out. Send out a meeting request that looks something like this:
With the addition of a new director, my chain of command, order of priorities and reporting responsibilities have become unclear. I would like for us to meet and determine the following,

• Who has final authority with regard to my time and work?
• Which director’s requests take priority?
• I am uncomfortable about being the source of information of what director 2 is doing for director 1. How can we create a format for reporting in that is inclusive rather than divisive?

Until we meet I will report the following way:

• I will cc the both directors on every communication I have with their counterparts.
• I will invite director 2 to join me in meeting with director 1.
• When instructions conflict I will assume that director 2’s instructions are the ones I am to follow unless and until director 1 and 2 agree and inform me otherwise.

Of course I’m guessing in making these points and you will want to adapt them to your exact situation. But the format remains…you must simply refuse to be in the middle and devise your own game plan until you can get an official game plan from management.

In addition to the reporting I have to do for the warehouse, I have to do the reporting for the tech center. Since he does not have a manager for the tech center he feels that I should do this reporting since I already do the warehouse’s. The executives keep coming up with more reports that need to be done and I am so busy with reports I can’t manage my warehouse properly. I am so far behind that I can’t make deadlines. When I am out of the office he will not back me up and I when I come back I am even more behind. These are managerial reports so one of my employees can’t do them. I have asked him for help but he tells me don’t worry it will all work out. I feel like I am just his secretary.

I have even gone to his boss and have told her about the problem but nothing has been done there either because she is too busy with other things to take care of this. I try to tell my employees to stay positive but it I know how hard that can be because I have a hard time staying positive.

Meryl Responds

Regarding the reports, document the time you spend on each item, along with the time you spend on warehouse management. Then when you meet to discuss your responsibilities, say,

• I need your help. I’ve been logging the time it takes for my various responsibilities and here is what I’ve come up with. As you see, these external demands on my time take up X hours leaving me Y hours for warehouse management. This is unworkable. I suggest we resolve this by delegating X report to (name), streamlining Y report in the following way and eliminating the Z report. Would this work for you, or do you have other suggestions?

Regarding the favoritism, document specific details of the incidents, and when you and your staff “complain”, be sure to talk about possible solutions and what you want more than what you don’t want.

Your question contains generalities, which makes me wonder if you are specific enough when you address the issue with the director. For example, when you say he thinks the techies can do no wrong, warehouse makes every error in the book and he treats your people like dirt, you are speaking in generalities. This may be just in writing me, but I point it out in case you are not specific enough with your boss or boss’ boss.

You can’t make your boss listen or look at proof, but with persistance you might crack the armour. Every time your director says something disparaging about your people or to your people or in some other way is unfair, document it and speak specifically to him about the incident. Say,

• I think you may not be aware of what a great job Joe did regarding…
• I believe your assessment of what happened with the X account is unfair because…

Be sure to let him know the impact on morale. Say,

• When you (blame my staff for errors they did not make as with the X situation, speak to my staff in the way you did Joe, overlook successes such as…, not mention above the call of duty contributions such as…, etc.) the effect is it lowers morale. I’m afraid of losing good people who do a great job because they feel blamed and unappreciated.

In addition, sing your people’s praises at every appropriate opportunity. Say things like,

• Joe found a great solution to a stocking issue we had. He… It would mean a lot to him if you were to acknowledge it.

If your boss refuses to look at the details of incidents, you can suggest,

Since you’re unwilling to look at the details, I will forward my documentation to your boss in the hope she can help me here. I will cc you.

Be aware that you are unlikely to change things with one comment, but with repetition you can make inroads. That goes for talking to your boss’ boss as well. If the squeaky wheel gets the oil, as it often does, you’ll need to squeak enough that they will decide it’s easier to address your issue than to ignore it.

Obviously you care about your people, and it is your responsibility to take care of them to the best of your ability. I respect your willingness to do that.

Do you have suggestions or guidelines on when electronic communications are used too much?

Meryl Responds

I talk about it in my PowerPhrases book.

If the goal is efficiency, email is perfect. If the goal is connection, email is a poor substitute for personal contact.

As soon as some tension is experienced, pick up the phone or walk over to talk directly. If you want to create a personal connection, pick up the phone or walk over to talk directly. If you want to stand out and make an impression, pick up the phone or walk over to talk directly – or send a card.

When deciding on your medium, ask yourself whether your priority is efficiency or connection and choose accordingly.

I hope this helps – let me know if you have a more specific question.

Meryl Responds

Words don’t need to be directed toward someone to be actionable. It sounds like they have an impact as presented, and that impact needs to be addressed.

However, I do recommend you focus on the behavior and its impact instead of the attitude.

When someone who works for me displays a bad attitude, my first line of conversation is an attempt to see if anything is going on that is causing malaise. I might say,

• When you say things like that it causes me to wonder if you don’t want to be here or if there’s something bothering you. Because it sounds negative and leads me to think you’re not happy here. Is there something we can address that can help?

Sometimes you’ll uncover an issue that has nothing to do with the incidents.

If there isn’t anything, let her know the effect her words have. Say,

• Are you aware of the impact of remarks like…? I understand and appreciate the fact that you no longer address negative comments to people directly, but your remarks still have a demoralizing impact. Is that your intent, or are you unaware of the impact?

Then, remind her every time she does it.

Meryl Responds

I’d explain why.

• I’m throwing this one at (name) because of her experience in x.

If you think you need to address the fact that she’s a newbie, say,

• I’m assigning this one to (name) despite her lack of tenure here because of her extensive experience with x. I ask that you give her all the support she needs to make the project a success.

When one of my associates quit, I covered her responsibilities while they tried to hire someone new. They hired someone incompetent and I’m still doing both jobs.

I said, “I’m only one person here. I can’t do everything.”

What should I have said – and can I say now?

Meryl Responds:

Frame your comments in terms of mutual interests.

Say:

• I was happy to pitch in and do whatever it takes to keep things going while the position was empty, but the level of overtime I’ve been putting in isn’t sustainable. I’m exhausted, and the quality of my work will slip if I continue to work two jobs. I understand the work needs to be done, so let’s sit down and figure out how that can happen in a way that doesn’t compromise the work and is sustainable.

Basically it’s about you setting boundaries. It’s a risk to set boundaries, but the more you risk, the more you stand to gain. I suspect they won’t risk losing you if you set sustainable boundaries. Just make it clear that you’re working toward everyone’s interests when you set them.

One time when I was sharing a particular situation I was dealing with, she interrupts me to tell me how I should handle it!! EXCUSE ME? She’d been with us all of 2 weeks! Looking her square in the eyes, I said, “I know how I plan to handle it!” and shut down from there. I shocked myself that I actually spoke. Typically, I’m the peace-maker and intimidated one. I’m finding myself reacting and feeling in ways I didn’t know I had in me – ways I thought I’d grown way past! Apparently not.

Do you have any suggestions on how to stop those darts or redirecting them back? I’m afraid I’m going to bop her on the head one of these days! J. And then I’ll be escorted from the premises…

Meryl Responds: Begin with acknowledging the upside of the trait and move on to suggesting how she can apply it more effectively.

Say:

• (Name,) I’m really impressed that you have so much experience and so many ideas about how to do things. Sometimes you tell me how you used to do things (how you would do things) before I’ve finished explaining how we do things here. I’d love to hear your ideas after it’s clear that you understand what we do here and why. Could you direct your comments to understanding how we do things while I’m explaining them, and offer ideas only after you’re sure you understand them?

She might be trying to prove her usefulness being new – or she might be a chronic advice giver. (I am afflicted with that, which is why I do it for a living.) Either way, take the approach of guiding her in using her experience and critical thinking skills in a way that is an asset to you instead of as something that is a problem altogether.