June 16, 2008
Superlative Performance Review Phrases: Authors Hope to Start a Trend
You’ve read them as they circulate the internet - actual performance review phrases that drip with sarcasm. For example:
1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”
2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”
4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
5. “When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
6. “This person has delusions of adequacy.”
7. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
8. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
9. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better.”
10. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”
11. “A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
12. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
15. “He’s been working with glue too much.”
16. “He would argue with a signpost.”
17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
24. “He’s got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
26. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
28. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
29. “One neuron short of a synapse.”
30. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
31. “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes.”
32. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
While these are amusing, it’s telling that there are no such lists circulating describing exceptional performance - until now.
Penguin’s How to Say It(R) series has just released a performance review phrase book that includes “Bonus Superlative Phrases” for exceptional performance. The authors, Meryl Runion and Janelle Britton hope to start a trend of expressing appreciation for positive performance that is as over the top as the negative phrases so found. The complete list of bonus superlative phrases is available at www.howtosayit.com/bonus.
This list includes phrases such as:
1. Adaptability:Halfway there before others begin.
2. Accountability/Reliability:More reliable than death, taxes and Old Faithful.
3. Attitude: His/ Her ability to look on the bright side of any situation is illuminating.
4. Communication: Verbal: He could make Donald Trump be quiet and listen.
5. Communication: Written: Writes so well that even a procedures manual she wrote would be a page-turner.
6. Conflict Management: Could bring peace to the Middle East.
7. Cooperation and Teamwork: If the Chicago Cubs had him/her on the team, they would win the World Series.
7. Contributes to Team Goals: Brings home the whole pig, not just the bacon.
8. Diversity/Inclusiveness: Finds common ground in polar opposites.
9. Creativity: DaVinci would envy her.
The list will be updated periodically. To add your suggestions to the list, post it in a comment here.
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