June 16, 2008

Ask Meryl ~ How do you turn down a meeting request?

Filed under: Ask Meryl by Meryl Runion |

I believe that I ’spoke strong’ but my boss felt I was rude….

Today I received an Outlook meeting invitation to catch my boss up to speed on a project. He asked to meet at 4pm or 4:30pm.

I declined the meeting in Outlook and at the bottom I typed: “4pm or 4:30pm is not a good time for me today. I was here at 6:15am and will leave around 3:30pm. I will be in early (wee early) 6am tomorrow and my day is open. Can we meet tomorrow? Or you may call me in the evening at home anytime.”

It turns out that I just couldn’t leave at 3:30pm and I ended up staying anyways for another issue. I called my boss and told him that I could stop by at 4:30pm. We had our meeting, and things went ok.

As I was leaving he stopped me to say: “There is one thing that I want to talk to you about that has nothing to do with this project. I’d like to give you warning on how you speak to higher ups when they are asking you to be in a meeting.” (In that particular moment I was caught off guard because I didn’t remember what he was referring to.) So I said, “I don’t know what you are referring to, please explain it to me.”

He proceeded, “Well, you might upset or offend a higher up when you respond ‘xxx time is not good for me.’ Be cautious on what you say because someone else might not be as understanding as I am.”

So, in my ‘Speak Strong’ words, I told him that I’m glad he pointed that out to me if something like that bothered him, but I did not feel that it was necessary for him to speak on someone else’s behalf. Also, I told him that I did not believe that my words were cross, misleading, or rude and that I was being honest. He rebutted and repeated himself using other words, so I left it alone with, ‘I feel that we disagree on this issue and I will adjust if necessary when someone asks me to.”

Now that I’m home, I’m stewing a little because I feel like he was not being honest to me. It was my boss that actually has an issue with the words I used and he disguised his feelings through someone else.

I’d like your opinion in that, this boss is new to me (less than 1 month) and he is already excessively micro managing my work. His words today are another signal to me that he will continue to be challenging to me unless I ‘nip it in the bud’.

Meryl Responds

This may be a wording issue or it may be a control issue. It’s possible he didn’t like how you said it or he might not like the idea that you’re not at his beckon call. My proof-reader pointed out that she finds the phrase higher ups to be a Poison Phrase and I agree, it implies a sense of dominence rather than teamwork. I think it would be useful to find out more about how he sees your role. I suggest you ask:

How would you like for me to handle that kind of situation in the future?

Were you upset by my declining the invitation or by how I worded it?

Do you think it unreasonable for me to decline a meeting if it’s after my planned departure time?

I agree he was indirectly telling you HE didn’t like what you said, and I would respond as if he had spoken for himself. I often mentally translate things people say into a better wording so I can respond directly to the issues.

Before you speak, be sure your attitude is a partnering one rather than adversarial. Your “nip it in the bud” comment is well taken, however, I think it would to be better to word your goal as to get clear about how you can best support each other and work together.

I hope this helps. Let me know.