June 29, 2008
Put an end to bickering
Meryl, I’m interested in your thoughts about a situation with two subordinates whom happen to be supervisors and are showing signs of a strained relationship. Let me explain.
Three supervisors work for me. Two of them have been in the unit 20-25 years. The third has only been with the team 5 years. The two longer term sups are beginning to nit pick at each other and complain individually to the 3rd supervisor. The 3rd supervisor now feels caught in the middle but apparently holds her own openly agreeing or disagreeing with the issue. I dearly enjoy and respect all 3 ladies but the bickering is getting old and now I can see some passive aggressive behavior that impacts the business.
I’ve recently decided to have a Teambuilding meeting off premise but really I think the better term is an intervention like they have for alcoholics. In other words, sit down with all 3 and just tell them what I see and that some actions are now impacting the business. I believe I could get the 3rd sup to chime in also. Then sit back and see what surfaces so we can talk about it. I believe the bickering is nothing more than symptoms of something bigger but I can’t get at that until I get them talking.
What would you do? What could my opening line be? I’m not sure how to preface this get together. EEEK, help!
Meryl Responds,
Say,
- I’ve brought us together to establish some communication standards to create a habit of proactively addressing issues rather than complaining. Here are some standards of communication I recommend.
Then list communication policies that you think would resolve the problem. Things like:
- Address the issue with the person who can do something about it.
- Speak in the same way when someone isn’t present as you would if they were.
- Discuss problems to resolve them rather than vent or complain.
Invite the group to add to ground rules.
By the way, I have a complete chapter on communication ground rules in my Unite and Concur book. They are designed for political dialogue but can easily be adapted to your needs.
Let me know how this works for you.
June 28, 2008
when 8-5ers and contract employees colide
What do you say to 8-5 employees who criticize contract workers who keep irregular hours? Find out on my post, The 8-5-ers don’t get it on www.SpeakStrong.com.
Delegation ~ advice for giving advice
If people resist your advice, find out why. It could be:
- You expect blind compliance from a critical thinker
- They need to understand your expertise
- There are undermining circumstances you need to address
- You need to adapt to their style
If in doubt, ask your listener how you can win their trust.
The ultimate credibility booster is to give great answers to the serious questions people ask.
Read my article Good Advice for Giving Advice.
June 19, 2008Reader Story ~ it is possible to get managers to listen to feedback
I wanted to follow up on my email to you.
I had my meeting with the managers of our team regarding the results of a recent survey I conducted. I asked questions about what challenges the team faced in their jobs, as well as their thoughts about the management of our group. I am happy to say that I was pleasantly surprised at how smoothly this meeting went.
I opened the meeting by saying:
- I received some honest feedback that we’ll go through one by one. As we go through these responses, I’d like you to remember that the feedback represents how these folks feel and how they perceive a situation or challenge. There are no right or wrong answers as these responses represent their feelings. I’m excited about the honesty of their answers.
- Based on how some of these responses are worded, as well as what some of the folks specifically said, you may know who responded in a particular way. Again, I ask you to do your best to dismiss trying to figure out who-said-what and just focus on what they said.
During my informal presentation, there was a lot of silence and note-taking — which I feel was their way of absorbing what was being discussed and documenting what they felt were possible resolutions.
After the presentation, my manager asked the team, “Well, how do you all feel about this?” One manager started saying something like, “You know, I’m really sick and tired of all this griping and I know who said the majority of these comments and she always…”. The Director of the group (who was one of the people I initially anticipated a lot of resistance from) interrupted her and said (calmly and quietly), Stop… we’re here to look at the answers and not judge the people… these are important and a lot of them are right-on. We need to figure out how to fix this.
WOW
We continued with an open and honest discussion, and ended with action items and next steps. It was such a successful meeting. Thanks again, Meryl, for your words of guidance.
June 18, 2008Language to use at termination
My SpeakStrong blog had a lively dialogue about the word termination and how to tell someone they’re fired. It led to a broader discussion about the constant struggle to balance truth and sensitivity. Here are some of the suggested phrases to replace the word termination.
- We’ve given you several opportunities to improve, Bob, but we cannot spend company resources that way any longer.
- It is time to part ways.
- Separated from the job/position
The word “termination” got no votes.
Communciate for change ~ how to get managers to listen to feedback
Meryl.
I work in a Customer Support department of my company. We recently experienced a couple of layoffs, as well as a history of “ill feelings”, feelings of “us vs. them”, “mismanagement”, etc. I’m in the process of surveying the managers to ascertain what they feel the challenges are of their direct reports, and I’m also surveying the direct reports to ask them what they feel are challenges, as well as how they feel about the management. I’m getting some great feedback from the staff that I will share with the managers.
But I’m nervous…
At the risk of sounding like I’m “projecting”, I feel that I know how the manager meeting will go. I’ll start to read some of the anonymous feedback and they will respond in a few ways:
1) Hostility
2) Comments like, “Yeah, wouldn’t that be nice.” “In a perfect world…” “We can’t do that.” “Yeah, right.”
I want to set the tone of the meeting before we begin and say something like:
“When we read some of these comments, you might find yourself saying, (see above) and ultimately dismiss it. But I want you to keep an open mind about everything we read here together, and forget the people, faces, moods, and so on. Here’s a blank piece of paper and we need to look at this as an opportunity to start from scratch.
“Also, during our conversation, if I hear comments such as “Yea, in a perfect world that would be great, but…” or “We can’t do that…” and so on, I’m going to stop you and ask you to either rephrase it, putting a positive spin on your comment, or not say it at all.”
Meryl, any assistance you can provide is most welcomed. The “hostile” feeling on the Customer Service floor is a direct result of the “hostility” that emanates from the managers on a daily basis, and I need to start the “squashing the tone” process before it explodes. (more…)
Humor in management ~ Keep it light
Do you bring out the big hammers when correcting employees?
In PowerPhrases, I talk about how a PowerPhrase is as strong as it needs to be and no stronger.
If you are stronger than you need to be when you correct your staff, you are likely to create resistance.
Think of the manager who refers to a
- Crumb management problem.
I tell the tale in my PowerPhrases newsletter.
June 16, 2008Ask Meryl ~ Barred from the board
When I started my job I was part of board meetings and my views were sought on a number of contentious issues. However, it soon became apparent that the board (all male) were uncomfortable having their practice held up to scrutiny by a female who did not subscribe to the opinion that because they were directors, they were always right. Now I no longer am invited to board meetings and no longer get to hear information that previously enabled me to do my job effectively and to bring about change. I need to address this without seeming to moan or over inflate my importance in the company. How do you suggest I approach this with my directors?
Meryl Responds
It sounds like things changed without anyone saying anything about it. The result is that you’ve made a number of assumptions that may or may not be true. Before you do anything else, I’d like to hear you get clarity on the reasons for the change in the practice of including you. Here is a possible script.
- It was very useful to my job performance to attend the board meetings. Since I’m not invited anymore, I’m not getting information I need to be my most effective in my position. I wonder if I had an incorrect understanding of what my role in those meetings was, and if I am no longer invited because I wasn’t doing what was wanted from me. I’d like to learn why I am no longer being invited and to see if there is anything I can do to get back on the invitation list so I can do my job in the best possible way.
It is quite possible the reasons for your not being invited have nothing to do with what you think they do. I’d like for you to find out. And even if you’re right, it sounds like the goal of speaking is to get what you need to perform, even if the situation requires that you be a bit less forthcoming in the future.
Ask Meryl ~ How do you turn down a meeting request?
I believe that I ’spoke strong’ but my boss felt I was rude….
Today I received an Outlook meeting invitation to catch my boss up to speed on a project. He asked to meet at 4pm or 4:30pm.
I declined the meeting in Outlook and at the bottom I typed: “4pm or 4:30pm is not a good time for me today. I was here at 6:15am and will leave around 3:30pm. I will be in early (wee early) 6am tomorrow and my day is open. Can we meet tomorrow? Or you may call me in the evening at home anytime.”
It turns out that I just couldn’t leave at 3:30pm and I ended up staying anyways for another issue. I called my boss and told him that I could stop by at 4:30pm. We had our meeting, and things went ok.
As I was leaving he stopped me to say: “There is one thing that I want to talk to you about that has nothing to do with this project. I’d like to give you warning on how you speak to higher ups when they are asking you to be in a meeting.” (In that particular moment I was caught off guard because I didn’t remember what he was referring to.) So I said, “I don’t know what you are referring to, please explain it to me.”
He proceeded, “Well, you might upset or offend a higher up when you respond ‘xxx time is not good for me.’ Be cautious on what you say because someone else might not be as understanding as I am.”
So, in my ‘Speak Strong’ words, I told him that I’m glad he pointed that out to me if something like that bothered him, but I did not feel that it was necessary for him to speak on someone else’s behalf. Also, I told him that I did not believe that my words were cross, misleading, or rude and that I was being honest. He rebutted and repeated himself using other words, so I left it alone with, ‘I feel that we disagree on this issue and I will adjust if necessary when someone asks me to.”
Now that I’m home, I’m stewing a little because I feel like he was not being honest to me. It was my boss that actually has an issue with the words I used and he disguised his feelings through someone else.
I’d like your opinion in that, this boss is new to me (less than 1 month) and he is already excessively micro managing my work. His words today are another signal to me that he will continue to be challenging to me unless I ‘nip it in the bud’.
Meryl Responds
This may be a wording issue or it may be a control issue. It’s possible he didn’t like how you said it or he might not like the idea that you’re not at his beckon call. My proof-reader pointed out that she finds the phrase higher ups to be a Poison Phrase and I agree, it implies a sense of dominence rather than teamwork. I think it would be useful to find out more about how he sees your role. I suggest you ask:
How would you like for me to handle that kind of situation in the future?
Were you upset by my declining the invitation or by how I worded it?
Do you think it unreasonable for me to decline a meeting if it’s after my planned departure time?
I agree he was indirectly telling you HE didn’t like what you said, and I would respond as if he had spoken for himself. I often mentally translate things people say into a better wording so I can respond directly to the issues.
Before you speak, be sure your attitude is a partnering one rather than adversarial. Your “nip it in the bud” comment is well taken, however, I think it would to be better to word your goal as to get clear about how you can best support each other and work together.
I hope this helps. Let me know.
Ask Meryl ~ Manager in the Middle
Manager in the Middle
I am the manager of my division and report to the Deputy Director of our organization. I have staff which reports to me and works on tasks as I assign these to them. The Deputy Director is not interested in what I do or the tasks assigned to my team. He has gone as far as saying that he does not like Planners and thinks we waste too much time ‘planning’. He very seldom provides input on work or assignments and provides comments after deadlines have passed, decisions have been made or if someone else brings any issue to his attention.
Recently, our Executive Director assigned a second director to work with our group and to provide guidance after he received complaints about the Deputy Director’s short sightedness. Unfortunately, I still report to the Deputy Director and this has led to another set of issues. The Deputy Director and the new director are constantly at odds and have different views on how the work and policy should be developed and/or completed. I am in the middle working with the new director to complete tasks and work assignments but having to report to the Deputy Director on every single thing. The Deputy Director has recently expressed a desire to know everything we do, how we do it and the direction I get from the other director. I feel like I’m being pressured to report on the director to my supervisor and it makes me feel very uncomfortable. Any suggestions on how I can handle this situation?
Thank you for your help.
Meryl Responds
You’ve got to get out of the middle. Get them together with you and the Executive Director and have your responsibilities spelled out. Send out a meeting request that looks something like this:
With the addition of a new director, my chain of command, order of priorities and reporting responsibilities have become unclear. I would like for us to meet and determine the following,
- Who has final authority with regard to my time and work?
- Which director’s requests take priority?
- I am uncomfortable about being the source of information of what director 2 is doing for director 1. How can we create a format for reporting in that is inclusive rather than divisive?
Until we meet I will report the following way:
- I will cc the both directors on every communication I have with their counterparts.
- I will invite director 2 to join me in meeting with director 1.
- When instructions conflict I will assume that director 2’s instructions are the ones I am to follow unless and until director 1 and 2 agree and inform me otherwise.
Of course I’m guessing in making these points and you will want to adapt them to your exact situation. But the format remains…you must simply refuse to be in the middle and devise your own game plan until you can get an official game plan from management.
